Good Ol' Shaping Moments

**disclaimer: none of these events will ever be in chronological order. EVER.**

When people ask you "What's an event in your life that's helped shape who you are today?" I honestly kind of want to cut that question out of people's mouths. What kind of question is that? Like how can you choose ONE SINGLE defining moment where, for a second, your life became real to you? I could never just choose one, but one that has significantly shaped me is my first Jr. Miss program ever.

Imagine you walk into a large room with a hundred wooden benches. It's 7 pm on a Saturday night, but it's not a normal Saturday night. It's the night of Jr. Miss. You see 10 girls on a stage wearing the most beautiful formal dresses, and you pass a row. Then you step back, only to find an absolutely darling little 5 year old girl with stars in her eyes. She watches these girls every move, how they smile, how they interact with one another. And she has the dream of being those girls one day. In 2004, the theme for the program was Jungle Fever. Savannah Shea Brown was the 2004 Jr. Miss & this was the first program my mom let me actually see. My mom had been working with the program for 2 years before this, and I finally got to see the program my mom had talked forever.

As I watched the fitness, talent & self expression, I knew this was what I was supposed to do. Even as a 5 year old I knew. I attended every Sugar Salem Jr Miss & DYW program after that, for the next 12 years. It wasn't just a dream anymore, it was more like a religious obligation for me now. I did everything I could to be a part of it. I went to Tuesday night practices, became friends with the participants, EVERYTHING. I went to State 4 years in a row, started going to other programs with my mom & other committee members. I loved it & soaked it all in.

My junior year rolls around & it becomes very real VERY FAST that I was doing DYW this year. My mom kept saying "I don't want you to feel like you have to do it" but I did. I had to do it. Not for her or for anybody else. For myself. 12 years guys. In case you didn't know THAT IS A FREAKING LONG AMOUNT OF TIME. I began prepping, learning a violin piece, looking at dresses & shoes. Then the sign up came. That was like a dream. I logged on to the website with shaking hands as I typed in my name, date of birth, parents names, phone number. It never ended but this was the kind of thing that you didn't want to end. I would have filled out 3 forms if I had to. And that was it. I was officially in the system. You can imagine the excitement I expressed. I sacrificed sleep & went to early morning practice to learn to how to do commando push-ups & learn how to pivot in 4 inch heels. I learned about the true meaning of exhaustion when I was in Spanish & I'd start to slip out of reality & drift into REM cycle. And I loved every minute. I loved the first week and I loved the last week. I would give anything to do it again. But I do like sleeping too soooo...

The last week it became more real than ever. I practiced harder & longer than I ever had before & I felt ready. When we got to dress rehearsal it felt like we as a group became closer. And we did for whatever reason. I mean I found my best friend during dress rehearsals. Dress rehearsals will always hold the most special place in my heart.

The night finally came. March 12, 2016. Earlier in the day I SLAYED my interview. Like I don't like to gloat or anything BUT I HAD THAT ONE IN THE BAG YOU GUYS IT WAS AWESOME. Okay I'll come down from my cloud now. Opening number came & went. Talent was a blur. Same with fitness & self expression.

My parade of dresses is what I want to talk about. Now, here's a little Sara insight. I've never been uncomfortable in my appearance, but I've definitely never felt completely comfortable either okay? I'm a tall, obsessively skinny, weird, loud, beautiful person. And that's what I am. But during that moment, the 30 seconds I was on stage it was all about me. The number on my dress didn't matter, the fact that I had a whole past that not many people know about, the fact that I had my heart broken by so many people, none of it mattered. For 30 seconds all they got to see was me. A grown up version of that little 5 year old girl sitting on the wooden bench with stars in her eyes.

Now stepping off the mush button for a minute. Let me tell you about the irony that is my life. Imagine the most awkward thing that could happen to a person. It's probably happened to me. Anything that could go wrong in a situation DOES FOR ME. And on a night like that night, my life was going to darn good for something NOT to happen. And it did. Bloody nose. Stage 4. 10 seconds before awards. READ: 100% STRESS LEVEL. As I cried and cried and cried, girls were shoving tissues up my nose & trying to get me back out for my moment. I cried out to God saying "THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN BUT IT SURE IS TOP TEN MAKE IT STOP" And it did.   It stopped. I ran out just in time to receive my unknown award, which turned out to be scholastic (WHAT THE ACTUAL CRAP I KNOW), I received an interview (CHECK) & didn't win anything else. And I was okay. I got an interview. I was happy. But my joy got one more bounce when they called me to 2nd Runner Up. Like holy heck. WHAT. I grinned like never before as the previous 2nd runner up ran to me in excitement. I was shaking like none other, as you can imagine. I had done it. I had done Jr. Miss & I had done well. More than I ever could have expected.

When someone asks me "What's an event in your life that's helped shape who you are today?"  I simply say "All the events in my life shape me, this one just shaped a different part of me & let me tell you why..." My encouragement would be don't understand one specific event that shaped you entirely. Find one events that shaped your soul, good or bad, or was a choice that you either will or won't ever regret. Don't let one event decided who you are. Find something that is all you & that right there will be your defining moment.

Much Love,

Sara Jean