Heartbreak is Inevitable

As I lay on my bathroom floor curled up in a ball I'm thinking about everything I've said and done over the last 18 years of my life. All the crazy (read: really boring stuff) but mostly I'm just thinking about the heartbreak. I'm thinking about all the heartbreak I've gone through since the first time I laid eyes on a boy and I wrote him love notes every single day, and then the day I decide to tell him that I had the biggest crush on him is the same day he decides to tell my best friend he likes her. Heartbreak is inevitable. I think about how when I was in fifth grade and I wanted to ask a boy to be my valentine as I'm writing the valentine he announces to the class he does not want it one. I remember being in sixth grade and having a crush on the smartest kid in my class and for some weird forsaken reason my best friend at the time convinced me to ask him to be my boyfriend. Granted that was probably the one of the worst mistakes I've made in my lifetime, but it doesn't matter now. I can remember being in seventh grade and finally liking an eighth grader only to find out that everything was fake. I can remember being in eighth grade and having a crush on the guy who was a sophomore, and he made me feel something. I think that was the first time actually ever fell in love with somebody. I don't know if it was real love or if it was just first love but it was still love. I love that boy. I found my love of dance because of that boy. I found strength in change because of that boy. I found my voice because of him. I can think of the first person I liked when I moved to Madison. He was blonde, blue-eyed, and everything I wanted. I thought that I wanted at least. That didn't end well which isn't surprising when it comes to me. My junior year brought nothing but wanting and desire and missing the blonde haired blue-eyed boy. But my junior year also brought a boy that lived 30 minutes away from me. A boy that I truly and honestly believed it was very much out of my league. A boy that made me feel like it wasn't a bad thing to be a debate kid. A boy with incredible music taste. With that boy I found joy in misery and excitement and heartbreak. With this boy, heartbreak was inevitable. There is nothing more that I wanted then for him to be mine, and I messed that up. There's a lot of different times in our lives where were heartbroken, whether it's over a boy or a girl, whether it's your friend, whether it's feeling like you're not worth anything to anybody, whether it's just heartbroken by the idea that you let your self-esteem fall so short. Everybody feels heartbreak. Heartbreak is inevitable. Then just because everybody feels heartbreak doesn't mean not everybody dishes that out. That boy that changed my junior year? I was the heartbreak of that situation. And although it seems kind of weird that I can admit that I was the reason I was heartbreak, there's just been way too many things that I've experienced to not be able to recognize when I am the cause of heartbreak.

Many people have decided for many many years that heartbreak is very real, but it hasn't been until the last 50 years, scientists have found that when you experienced heartbreak it's literally this: your heart is experiencing rapid palpitations, distress, worry, all of your hormones, and every emotion you've ever felt in your life your heart is feeling. And it doesn't quite feel right because if you're experiencing heartbreak wouldn't your heart feel like it's breaking? But it's not just when romantic heart happens. When a friend break up happens, when the favorite character on your favorite TV show dies, when you failed. That's all heartbreak. The one that we associate heartbreak with the most though is romance. I've experienced a lot of heartbreak, Of all the different kinds, and there's never been a moment in my life I've been grateful for the heart break. And there's never been another moment of my life where I felt proud of heartbreak. It happens too much, and sometimes we don't intend for it. But just because you don't intend something to happen doesn't guarantee anything.

So I'm writing this to all those who have been heartbroken. I'm writing this to all those who cause heartbreak. And most importantly I'm writing it to you. I messed up. I screwed you over. I made it so your trust is dwindling, and I made it so that you will never forgive me. I wouldn't expect somebody like you to forgive me for what I did, there's no forgiveness to be asked. But as an open letter to the one who I broke, I ask you this question. Is it worth the heartbreak you'll give yourself to never forgive another person? To never trust another person? It's never fully love again? It hurts. I know. Just because I caused you heartbreak, doesn't mean that I don't feel it too. As I look into those big brown eyes, I wonder what I could've done differently.

I'm moving on. It's not easy and it's certainly not completely done. But I am learning that as I move on I begin to feel more OK with my situation. Not totally fine not excepting of it, but rather dealing with it. One day I will look back on this moment, crawled up on my bathroom floor, and wish that that was my worry. That's probably gonna be the same day that my husband walks in and holds me and tells me that I don't need to worry about those kinds of things, because I have somebody now. My mom told me that after 20 years of marriage she still feels heartbreak for my dad which again, heartbreak is inevitable. But the thing is different with my mom and my dad, is that their hearts are sewn back together by each other.

Heartbreak sucks. It's the worst thing that the good Lord gave to us. But it also teaches us a lot of lessons, do we know them all right now, no. But I do know, that one day the heartbreak will all make sense. Maybe it's on this earth, maybe it's on the deathbed, maybe we won't ever find it out. But at least one day you'll know you'll find somebody that makes all the heartbreak go away. Maybe one day I'll get to show this post to my husband, and my two kids, and I'm going to say ha ha look at what my life used to be. And wall laugh, my husband will kiss me, and will go to bed, like normal people. Right now, my 18-year-old brain is sobbing. Life sucks. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. But what we make of it is honestly what we get out of it. So I might love a person right now, that I'm not gonna care about five years. I might love somebody right now that's going to be the most monumental person in my life in five years. All I can say right now, is that I hope the best for you. Every single person that's ever caused me heartbreak, I hope the best. If I've ever caused any of you heartbreak, I'm sorry. From the bottom of the sea that's still undiscovered I'm sorry. Have love. Be kind. And never stop loving.

Much Love,

Sara Jean