messy love

How silly of me to think someone like you could ever want a person like me? This is the question I asked myself many many many times and somehow I can't seem to find an answer. I've looked for reasons as to why I wasn't good enough for somebody or why there is always somebody better than me. And I didn't figure out until recently just a couple weeks ago when I figured out that I wasn't going enough for one more person. It's not a matter of not being good enough, or not being their perfect idea of a person, it's all about how they view themselves. One of the MANY flaws in society is that we all view ourselves to be less than we are, and that comes from the way people treat us, the way that we treat ourselves and so on and so forth. For me figuring out that I wasn't enough for another person was hard, and it hurt. Because for a long time you think you're good enough to one person and you think it's all good and and it's not like that at all. What sucks even worse is that you can think you're doing totally great in life and you're moving forward and it's awesome and you find out very quickly that it's not. For me finding out that I wasn't good enough for one more person was not what I wanted for my senior year. But I've come to the realization that it's exactly what I needed. I go on drives by myself, I stay at home and watch movies by myself, and I'm actually content. I know that if I was trying to be in a relationship it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work because there's so much that I still have to accomplish on my own. So as I sit here in the temple parking lot and I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong I can't, because there I did nothing wrong. There's been too many times my life they've blamed myself for my "relationship" failures. But it's not anybody's fault. It's all a matter of life. The ebb and flow, the stop and go, the start and end. We don't need people to make us happy. Sure that's a great contributing factor but that's not what we need. We need to find something that we are passionate about for ourselves, that we enjoy doing, or that we just straight up find euphoria in. 

Recently, I tried to mend a relationship. I wanted to mend it because I thought that if I tried it would mean something. I don't know if it did or not, but I know that that person is hurting. And it's my fault. What I wish more than anything is that I could go back and just be grateful for what I had, instead of looking for the next best thing. Because I know that deep down inside I knew he was The best thing. And it hurts because I know he doesn't want to work anymore. If you're reading this, know I never wanted it to be like this. I wanted you in my life, no matter what that meant. 

We all struggle, and I think we struggle more when it comes to love than anything else. I know I'm sitting in Walmart looking at all the cheap candy and smiling because I know I'm about to purchase a cheap candy for myself. But it would've been nice to have someone purchase it for me, you know? Love is such a weird twisted thing because it has so many different meanings to so many different people. To some, it  means a passion for their career or their successes or something that they deem important. To others it means that romantic yuck that we focus so much on in society. But we all have something that we love. And that's what I struggle about the most, the idea that you need something to hold onto and to love and to cherish. I don't think I have anything that I truly never loved or cherished more than my family. And everybody feels that way at some point or another, but I would love to have somebody or something about myself or a physical item or anything that I could pour my heart and soul into. 

It's so messy, the love, the hair, the bed, the life. It's all a giant mess. All I really want is somebody who will help me pick up the mess, because if there somebody who's willing to come into this mess and help me take care of it, I welcome them with open arms. Right now I want to focus on me and what I'm doing, but I won't mind if someone wants to join in on that. Find something that you love, make sure that you cherish it. Because you never know and one day it might be gone.