a letter to anyone who liked my insta posts senior year

If you are reading this, that means that you obviously thought you were part of my senior year. And you probably were. Maybe you were the person that never failed to make me smile, or the person that never failed to roast me. Maybe you were the person that I loved for so long, and maybe you were the person that ghosted me. Maybe you were somebody who didn't really like me all that much but somehow you still kept coming into my life. Maybe you were someone that I didn't like all that much, and you just have no idea. And maybe just maybe you were somebody that I had an influence on. You see I'm all about this idea of leaving my mark on somebody and having influence. But the thing is, we all want to have influence. Not all of us can accomplish the same things of another person. We were not created to be able to be equal with everybody. What we were created to do was to make an influence in our own special way. Sure we can be annoying, I know I'm definitely guilty of this, but we're all just trying to figure it out for ourselves.

My Senior was full of influence. And honestly I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my senior year was nothing like I expected it to. 270+ days ago I posted a picture and I had no idea what was in store. You see my whole senior year was never supposed to go like you did. I posted that picture with full hopes, wide eyes and a very jumpy fresh senior. When I ended up was a tired, worn, exhausted senior who has no pep in her step anymore. That was nobody's fault but my own. 

For the last 13 years, I've let how others view me be my influence for how I've made decisions. But that's not how it's supposed to be. Your decisions are based on your influences for yourself. I let people control how I acted through this entire year, when I had all the control in the world over it. So if you're reading list, and you're still in high school, if I could teach you anything it would be this. You have complete control over your actions, you have complete control over how you take people's words in, new complete control over what you do with them. This year I dealt with this a lot, and I let people's words control my emotions. Except for emotions turn into anxiety. I don't talk about this a lot with people in general, because I don't see my anxiety has a disability in anyway shape or form, but I see it as something debilitating. Debilitating in the sense that it has controlled me this year, and I've let it. I have 100% let my anxiety issues control my actions. It didn't have to be that way though, and I know that now.

This year I dealt with a whole slew of things. From people I love that were suicidal, to my friends who left me for boys, to being somebody's back up plan, everything. And it sucked, it really sucked. But however in all the suckage, I found myself. I found myself give me someone who enjoys being by herself, and I had no idea. I found myself in a girl who has dealt with so much heartbreak and rejection trying to give as much love as she possibly could. I found myself forgiving people who haven't ever said sorry, and it felt good. I found myself and somebody who realize that she does need recognition, and she's not always going to get it. But that was okay. I found that I absolutely love traveling, and I love driving by myself, and I found some really good music. That one was the most important part. I found myself in the dark pit where I should've lost, but I didn't. 

There's any advice I can give anybody, graduated or not, it would be this: never underestimate the power you possess. You as a person can make a difference in somebody's life, whether that's good or bad, it's up to your actions. But you have the ability. So never underestimate the fact of what a smile could do, or what it is to be a TA for your favorite teacher. You have the power, use it as much as you possibly can.  

So to those who talk to me during my senior year – I want to say thank you. Thank you for helping me discover myself, thank you for sending me the best music ever, thank you for ditching me the week of state, thank you for letting me stand in the front row, thank you for allowing me to move from one school to another and somehow you all became friends with me one way or another. Thank you for teaching me what it is to be a real friend, and what it isn't. Thank you for being fake, thank you being real. Thank you for teaching me how to do my eyebrows, thank you for doing my hair every day in math. Thank you for letting me be the only senior in a class of sophomores (and somehow I still made friends). Thank you for letting me be on the speech team, when everybody knew I had no chance. Thank you for Snapchatting me, even though I knew you never liked me the way I loved you. Thanks for letting me slide in the DM's and become friends with you, thank you for letting me eat lunch with you. Thank you for being my first friend at Madison, and thank you for allowing me to grow. Thank you for playing me, thank you for lying to me. Thank you for being my friend no one else was. Thank you for becoming my friend through a Scholarship program. Thank you for showing me the best music ever. Thank you for hurting me, thank you for loving me. Thank you all, for each and everyone of you have a made a difference my life in one way or another. As much as I hated high school and I'm happy to say goodbye, thank you all for showing me who I could be.