a purpose in pain

everybody knows loss. whether that's in been in your own life, or you've witnessed it, or your favorite tv series ended, everyone knows loss. these last couple months have really hit me hard with loss. I’ve never felt so much sadness and so much confusion and so much heartache. and its not because I understand why people have to die, because I don't. its not because its happening to me personally, because its not. it hurts because it continues to happen and there's no reason why.

at the beginning of june, my brother's best friend was involved in a horrendous accident that ultimately took his life. to see my brother go through something to lose someone as close as your best friend is something I had hoped to never have to go through on my own. I’ve watched my brother cry and go through the horrible things that come with something like this. I just didn't know that I would ultimately need my brother's strength to go through what I’ve gone through this week.

earlier this week, a boy that I graduated with, who I wouldn't say I was close to by any means but had had enough interaction with to call a friend, had his life taken from him for reasons I will never understand. it breaks my heart to know that there is one less person on this earth, and there is a family mourning, and friends hurting and there is a sister who looked up to her brother so much and now he's gone. it breaks my heart to know that he had a life ahead of him and will never get to experience those earthly joys.

for some reason, death has become a very common theme in my life over the last 10 months. and I have no idea why. I’ve plead with my heavenly father multiple nights asking why this has to happen over and over again, and why so much sadness has to occur. and I haven't had an answer. and for a long time, I was frustrated and I was confused. and I still am, I'm just as confused and frustrated. but I have a different sense of understanding. if this had happened three years ago, I would have sat there and complained against God. but this time I don't. this time I ask the world, why? why did cade have to be taken from this world, taken from my brother and taken from his family and friends? why did matt have to leave when he had the world ahead of him? why did anyone who passed away this year have to be taken from the earth? but I know why now. its because they were done. so while our natural man minds cry and say, "why, why did this happen?" God is looking down and saying "because. because they were done, because I needed them, because they needed to see the world a little differently, because their mission was complete in my eyes." I’ll never understand why someone has to leave as quickly and as suddenly as they do. and why they have to leave their families and friends. but this I do know, God has a plan. and I will see matt and I will see cade again. I will see my friends and family again. I know matt's family is eternal and I know cade's family is eternal, and I know my family is eternal. and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God lives. and one day all of us again will too.