living on a prayer and a whole lotta ramen

yep you're not misreading the title, I am currently living off of ramen and diet coke. it's weird. you go from having homecooked meals to 5 minute noodles. I miss my mom. you guys, I am only 8 minutes away and I MISS MY MOM. it's be the craziest transition of my life. one day, I'm running errands for my mom and watching M*A*S*H (a show that I personally believe all people should watch once in their lives)

to living with 5 strangers who are all have dead different personalities than I do & trying to figure out how loud my music would be to be considered unacceptable. and to add onto this transition, I am all of a sudden trying to decide what groceries to buy, what conversations to have, and how to balance catching up on bachelor in paradise and writing a separate blog for another class (I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY I AGREED TO THAT BUT WHATEVS)

its been rough to say the least. I'm tired, I'm confused, and even though I've lived in this place all my life, I'm lost. I want to go home to my mom and let her hug me while I cry about absolutely nothing. but I'm still fighting to grow. why? because there is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone. the thing I've noticed more than ever is that life is rough, but life is even more difficult when you feel alone. don't get me wrong, I feel so grateful that I have the awesome roommates I do, and I know they have the possibility of being my friends for life. I'm talking about the loneliness within myself. there is a lot going on right now that isn't pretty and isn't awesome. there's a lot of stress, worry, budgeting, saying no to costa vida salad, and drinking diet coke for dinner. there's weird assignments, days where you fall asleep reading articles about paper (NO LIE) and professors that are nothing like your loving high school teachers (@ you Stanford I love you so much, thank you for being so patient with me always).

in all the things I've experienced this week, I've seen self doubt and worry and growth and wondering how in the world I'm supposed to take 5 classes and STILL get all the homework done in time. how I got through high school is beyond me still, but I digress. however, through, I've discovered myself in a new light that I otherwise wouldn't have.

you guys, I know how to flirt. WHAT.

I know how to make freakin fantastic ramen ( your move ky jenner).

I WENT GROCERY SHOPPING. AND DIDN'T COMPLAIN.

has it been hard? oh yes like I wouldn't have ever dreamed of. I look at my roommates who are from out of state and I wonder how hard that is to be away from their families, which makes me grateful I went to byu-i and stayed close enough. it makes me laugh, I actually wanted to be far away from my mom and now I can't imagine being anywhere else. I've made some crazy fashion choices that I would have laughed at 6 months ago.

previously mentioned wild fashion choice. shocking I know.

before now, I used to wonder why God didn't put me where I wanted to go, why he didn't open up the doors I was so desperately knocking on, trying to get in. now? now, after meeting my roommates, being in my classes, meeting the dope people in my classes and just letting go of all the expectations I had of what this was all going to be, I know I am where I'm supposed to be. it's taken a long time to get here, but I am happy with where I am.

there's progression in all things, and I'm still progressing towards complete happiness. yeah I know that won't exist until the second coming (speaking of, I'm startin to think it may be upon us...twitter has never led me astray...KIDDING. but really, ya never know). but after cutting all the garbage out of my life and starting over, I'm beginning to find happiness again, starting to post on instagram again and let my life take its course. and I can't wait to share it with you guys. so buckle up, I'm gonna try something crazy.

much love,

Sara Jean